Texts From Last Night · Last Night in (415)

Last Night in California (415)

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What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

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Irish Spring?

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(1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey? (415): Irish Spring? http://tfl.nu/ebnx

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I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(415): I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker." http://tfl.nu/s149

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I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.

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(415): I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me. http://tfl.nu/6ugc

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oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob

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(415): oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob http://tfl.nu/u9lt

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I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.

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(415): I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys. http://tfl.nu/rxe7

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my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

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and she bought it?!?

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yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(650): my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah (415): and she bought it?!? (650): yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes http://tfl.nu/zwxp

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If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%

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(415): If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49% http://tfl.nu/98jc

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I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

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Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

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Watch for tornadoes.

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(415): I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana? (512): Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought. (415): Watch for tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/7qwf

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chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate

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i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube

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(702): chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate (415): i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube http://tfl.nu/nhs2

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Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling

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God, I love San Francisco.

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(415): Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling (415): God, I love San Francisco. http://tfl.nu/z7fc

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so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

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What...you let him do that?

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It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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(650): so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow. (415): What...you let him do that? (650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow http://tfl.nu/aum0

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JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP

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(415): JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP http://tfl.nu/adca

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fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.

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(415): fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background. http://tfl.nu/i9c0

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what ever happened to devon sawa?

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fuck...who knows?

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i'm really worried about him.

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(951): what ever happened to devon sawa? (415): fuck...who knows? (951): i'm really worried about him. http://tfl.nu/sfvp

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How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome

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(415): How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome http://tfl.nu/pei8

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Last Night in California (415)

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