dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
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just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.