You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
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i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
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I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in