Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
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Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.