I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.