I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar