My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.