I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious