At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"