Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively