Texts From Last Night

Last Night in New York (716)

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  (716): View more from New York

  Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.

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  (716): Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise. http://tfl.nu/ygq6
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  Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor

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  (716): Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor http://tfl.nu/4crz
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  do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?

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  (716): do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car? http://tfl.nu/kx3d
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  Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.

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  (716): Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking. http://tfl.nu/rcur
  Replies (2) Good night (306) Bad night (483)
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  i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis

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  (716): i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis http://tfl.nu/uywx
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  I'm eating all of the evidence.

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  (716): I'm eating all of the evidence. http://tfl.nu/m4yn
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  The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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  (716): The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us. http://tfl.nu/j1ej
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  You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.

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  (716): You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole. http://tfl.nu/l1gi
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  The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

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  (716): The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man. http://tfl.nu/vdpw
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  He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt

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  (716): He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt http://tfl.nu/5cou
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  Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.

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  (716): Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day. http://tfl.nu/hsum
  Replies (4) Good night (1087) Bad night (442)
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  Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.

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  (716): Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum. http://tfl.nu/mwlv
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  Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink

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  (716): Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink http://tfl.nu/hn0o
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  He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

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  Find him and marry him.

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  (716): He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night. (585): Find him and marry him. http://tfl.nu/d6kn
  Replies (5) Good night (2141) Bad night (430)
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  I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.

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  (716): I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start. http://tfl.nu/5uu7
  Replies (13) Good night (2300) Bad night (430)