dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can text with my tongue
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor