I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.