He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair