Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.