They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean