The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even