well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
two words...techno handjob
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror