apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.