Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.