you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
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Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.