Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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