I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
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you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something