I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed