He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home