And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.