Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.