She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.