Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.