If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child