Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?