You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
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Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
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Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.