Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.