He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.