Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
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Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
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It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.