I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo