Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????