im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?