Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm