Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
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how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
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Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.