Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
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When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.