i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?