for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
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But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She bit a glass in half.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
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there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.