I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She bit a glass in half.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl