I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.