I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
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Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
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It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.