I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
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I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.