Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.