I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.