I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.