Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...