Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.