How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf