I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head