I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.