I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands