I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.