Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.