I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life