Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.