This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it