Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail