I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."