I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.