OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling