While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.