Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
about cumming, not toast
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.