Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.