If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time