Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night