So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.