considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.