Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.