I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.