I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.